Dear Diary, Life Hates Us
by Hope Trinket
Summary: [AU] - Parody, OOCness. - In which Joshua starts a fight, Rhyme has Einstein intellect, Neku accidentally punches Shiki, Beat is a guy who skated through grade school via unknown reasons, and Mr. H runs over Joshua and winds up in the hospital with Megumi Kitaniji. -Rated T for mild language.


**Author Note: **...I regret nothing. Parody, I needed some humor to cheer me up... Basically making fun of crazy fanfics with no plot in this one shot as well as some elements in canon.

Don't treat this as if I took it seriously – I really didn't. It's just parody, poking fun, alternate universe (preferably Another Day, but eh).

Disclaimer: Don't own TWEwY.

_**Warning: **__Parody fanfic. Major Out of characterness. Turn back if you can't stand humor._

* * *

_Neku_

Our math teacher, Mr. Minamimoto (or Minamimoto-san, or Mr. Sine-Cosine-Tagent!, or Mr. Soooooo zetta-slow!) is crazy. Maybe it was because he used terrible math puns to get a point across or to express that he was angry... Of course, the latter hardly worked for discipline. I remember the last time he called me a "factoring hecopascal" accompanied by "stupid zero" and I just chortled like an idiot because really, who _says _that shit? Well... It didn't go very far. Ask my in school suspension certificate.

Now you're wondering:

How the hell did I get _suspended _for laughing?

I... might've done more than just laughed...

So aside from Minami-crazy, the cooking teacher, Yodai Higashiga-something is just as bad as Minamimoto – if not, worse. He makes the corniest food puns, but for some reason loves to pick on Shiki. He's constantly pointing out flaws when really, the food isn't half bad. I think he's just an asshole – must be in his genes. Good news: He seems to like Eri, but who knows why? I can hardly stand either one when they're in the same room together. Yodai what's-his-face is constantly praising her and they just complement each other when they talk about freaking food and what goes with what and sign up for damn culinary arts already, Eri!

But no~

Neither one likes culinary arts (_then why'd you take it?)._

They want to be fashion designers or something like that... Like hell I pay attention. I just overheard. What, you think I was actually friends with them?

So how this all went to hell...

It started during lunch today. Weird, I know, but cliché and typical, right?

People to thank: Yoshiya Kiryu, private _dick _extraordinaire (even though he's not _really _a detective but more of the second word in between 'private' and 'extraordinaire'), Daisukenojo Bito (a.k.a Beat, but who really cares about that?), Raimu Bito (Rhyme, his sister, who has a darn good reputation for taking things the wrong way which results in fights. Oh, you thought she was innocent? Pfft, bitch, please... This is Shibuya, in another world where I'm pretty sure in 'that other world' she is praised for having 'Einstein intellect' when she should be labeled as 'street smart'... Stupid fu-), Shiki Misaki (for trying to break up said fight and only getting herself into a... not so good situation.), and... I don't know why you're looking at me like that. I didn't do anything... Sorta. Kinda... Might have hit somebody... Oh just hear me out already!

Joshua (Yoshiya Dick Kiryu) was simply talking to Rhyme. And I really didn't see what was so harmless about it (for once) since he only asked her which class she had next and how her day went. All I remember is that Rhyme got red in the face and she looked ready to kick him in the place where light didn't shine. She _might _have been blushing... Or maybe not; the glare on her face gave it away.

But one minute she's all upset, and the next she looks ready to cry, and then the _third _time she's calling him a "dumb blonde" (even though Joshua doesn't really look blonde to me... But what do I know? I'm not praised for my Einstein intellect by fans) and a "spoiled brat" (which I don't get either since Joshua spends most of his time forever alone on the rooftop. So how can he be spoiled?).

Mmm, 'kay, so then, Joshua just _giggled _at that. Yes. _Giggled_. And Beat stood up and started talking trash (or maybe it was just gibberish since his vocabulary consisted of getto English... or getto Japanese... wait, what?). Then Joshua said something to defend himself, and Beat went to punch him, but the ass moved out of the way.

So Beat punched me instead.

I flew out of my seat and onto the white floor and my head spun. I was seeing stars, and quite frankly, I wanted to curl up and just curse off Beat in a fetal position, or man up and punch him right back. Dad says it's good discipline, but whatever.

"_Son, if anyone tries to harm you or get in your pants—"_

"_Dad, I'm not a girl..."_

"_There are some gay mother fu—"_

"_Dad, stop swearing. Please... It's painful to listen to."_

"_Anyway, before you _interrupt me again_, know that the best way to solve an issue – if someone hurts you first – is by punching them right back. But be careful because they suspect this so they might jump out of the way. And you might end up hurting someone else instead."_

"_Uh, won't I get a detention for that?"_

"_...Is that where they sit you at a desk after school where you can stare at them for hours and hours until four in the afternoon?"_

"_Yeah."_

"_Eh, you'll be fine. Just wait 'till three thirty; they usually zonk out then, so that gives you time to escape."_

Relying on my instant flashback, I did as followed. I pushed myself off the floor and sent my fist flying towards Beat's face. Unfortunately, Joshua had to be an ass and _trip me, _so when Beat dodged, I continued "falling", and instead of punching him, I... It was the first day I hit a girl.

My fist hit her face (it was on accident, I _swear!_), and I could literally feel the glass shards pricking my knuckles. So not only did she suffer a good blow to the face, but now her glasses broke and were mostly likely... in her eyes. Or maybe I was just panicking and didn't know shit...

All I remember is staring down, mouth gapped, and everyone else (or rather at my table) looking from Shiki to me with wide, big eyes. I remember trying to back away before anyone called me out, but big-mouth Beat just _had _to be the lucky one.

"Yo man! What's wit' you? Hittin' girls? You ain't got any curstardey!"

I assumed he meant 'courtesy', but we'll let this slide.

Then he tackled me to the floor and we got into a friggin' fist fight (damn this guy was a friggin' _behemoth_!) until Ms. Konishi (another crazy-ass bitch of the school). She separated us, started yelling at the top of her lungs, and we were sent to the principal office, and Shiki? The nurse.

So that was my day.

...For some reason, Shiki kept following me around the hallways with a few books. She would raise them halfway up to her chest, as if she were offering me to read whatever the hell she carried. But then I saw a few were textbooks and there's no way I'm going back to 'boring life of a hectopascal' a.k.a Algebra II textbook... I think she just wanted me to carry her books or something... But I'm not that type of guy. She can carry her own shit.

Happy now, Mr. Psychiatrist/Person-who-made-me-get-this-damn-journal? It's _not _a diary!

_~ Neku Sakuraba, a.k.a Phones._

* * *

_Shiki_

I really don't know what happened! I mean it!

One minute I'm in lunch with my friends (and Neku), and the next Eri has to leave to go take a test, and so I'm surrounded by _guys_! ...Oh, hi Rhyme. Sorry, didn't see you there. Hehe... Oops.

So yeah, anyway~

Yoshiya Kiryu (though we all call him Joshua for some reason... can't remember now) started this whole mess. He kept asking Rhyme how her day was and gosh, I don't know who's guiltier... I mean Rhyme took the whole thing the wrong way and ugh, they're both guilty, there! Because if it weren't for them, maybe I wouldn't have gotten punched in the face by Spicy Tuna Roll over there! Higashizawa was right: He _is _a spicy tuna roll...

I'm minding my own business when suddenly, Beat stands up and unloads a boat of insults on Joshua's head. I remember watching them as if I were a passerby, and after this day, I made a note not to sit anywhere near Beat for the rest of my life. Because he started these fights, and he was the reason why I got hurt.

I didn't' know what they were truly arguing about at this point until Neku came flying at Beat, ready to punch him. Then Joshua stood up and tripped him, and Beat maneuvered out of the way. So instead of punching Beat like he had planned, he hit me instead. In the face. And dear Higher Plane-I-don't-know-about, it hurt like a _bitch_!

...Might have blacked out because I don't remember what happened after that. Or it was just so traumatic I tried to train myself to forget the events. But next thing I know, I'm awake in the nurse's office and Eri's there.

Several useless paragraphs of detail later, I'm finally out, and yes, my hand is _hurting _because I must've landed on it the wrong way! Now I can't write anymore in this freaking diary, and now, I can't sew or _anything_! Neku _totally _stomped on everything I love...

I wanted to get back at him, but he was in the detention and if I came in, guns swinging, I would've gotten kicked out and most likely expelled for attempted murder...

Hmm... I wonder why my psychiatrist doubled up on my appointments...? Maybe it was because every time I saw Neku I'd try to hit him with whatever I was holding? Though he rarely saw me, so I guess I just looked too nice to be considered a threat. Damn Eri... Not only looking hotter and being smarter, but making me look like a victim and not able to _kill _someone for ruining my two months of teenage life!

...I'm going now; hand's hurting as well as my face... Now I _really _need new glasses...

~ _Shiki Misaki, a.k.a Crazy bitch who can't pull off looking like a threat._

* * *

_Joshua_

I didn't have an interest in Rhyme.

She's three years younger than me and I don't even know why she's in this school. Maybe because of her Einstein intellect. But at least it's not in another world where... oh, I'm some powerful, almighty God who goes by Composer and is constantly hitting on a 12 year old girl which is pedotastic. And fangirls think that Neku and I together in that world is gross? I'm sorry, but one) I don't particularly care for Neku that way, and two) Rhyme is younger than Neku. So she'd be dating someone who's a buttload older. Ugh, fanbase...

"What class do you have next?"

One thing for sure: This Rhyme (if there are any others out there) was too emotional. She let loose a string of curses starting with "damn blonde" (my hair is ashen blonde, to be correct), and ending with "prissy bitch". I'm surprised her parents would let her use such vocabulary!

...Then again, when you're Einstein reincarnated into a pre-teen, hormonal girl, I guess you have a bit more freedoms than others...

Then she started crying, and her meathead brother Beat stood up, glaring down and scowling at me. He called me a few names as well, but they are too vulgar for me to put in these pages. So... Deal.

Anyway, he tried to punch me, but dealing with thug-idiots like him, I'm prepared. I lean back and instead of hitting me, he hits Neku instead.

Now when somebody hits Neku, it's not a particularly good sign.

So I waited for him to recover and got ready to leave. I stood up, placing my feet on the ground...

...and then the idiot tries socking Beat right back but trips over my foot and goes flying. He misses Beat (who avoids him), and hits the girl instead.

...I didn't know Neku hit girls.

Beat called out Neku on his 'wife-beating' habits and they got into a scuffle on the floor. I was the only one (along with Rhyme who was still mad at me) who made it out of lunch unscathed, not in the principal's (or nurse's) office.

The rest of my day was normal, except I didn't have Neku to partner up with/annoy the heck out of. A few hours later I'm in school, and now I'm out, waiting for my ride. I don't take the bus – otherwise I'd be crammed in with a bunch of people I could barely tolerate.

But I know it's bad news when I see Rhyme and Beat again.

"Yo, Prissy!"

I thought he had detention... or did they suspend him? Maybe they suspended Beat and not Neku since it seemed as if Neku was the victim of the whole thing... Which he isn't.

I had backed out a bit into the road, telling Beat to keep his hat on (beanie, whatever) and he responded with this:

"I ain't losin' my hat! It's right here, see? And it's tight! It ain't goin' nowhere!"

Ugh, tell me how this idiot passed grade school again?

"Right, well, I'll just—"

Then there's a searing pain that lances throughout my body as my ride makes a sharp turn, flooring the pedal before he comes my way. I'm thrown over the hood of the car and land on the asphalt, winded. My head feels as if it's about outburst, I'm in extreme pain, and my right leg feels funny... I probably broke it, and topped with a concussion, this sucks.

And to make matters worse, the car swerves into a building.

So there goes health, _and _car insurance!

Now I'm in the hospital, angsting about how much I hate Daisukenojo Bito and his sister... Looking to my right, I see Sanae Hanekoma, the guy who was supposed to pick me up but instead rammed me over with a thousand pound vehicle, and to my left there's Megumi Kitaniji. The school principal.

Today is just... so screwed up.

_~ Joshua, the guy who currently hates his life at the moment._

* * *

_Beat_

Prissy started messin' with my sis, and I'm getting' tired of his flirtin'! She got really upset and said a few things mom n' pops would've been pissed 'bout. But I didn't care; she's finally stickin' up for herself! It's about time! But that Prissy-Britches made her cry, so I had to step in here. I stood n' looked down at him.

"Yo, what's your problem?! Quite messin' with my sis or else! She ain't into you and neither is anyone else! You way too pretty to be a man!"

I punched him, he moved, and I hit Phones instead. At first, I felt bad, but when Phone jumped up to fight back, I sidestepped and Prissy tripped him. So instead, he punched Shiki n' broke her specs. And I don't believe in hittin' women, so I stuck up for her. ""Yo man! What's wit' you? Hittin' girls? You ain't got any curstardey!"

He was a lightweight and so not a threat. But then the Iron Maiden came over and sent us to Shades' office.

Neku got a detention while I got suspended.

But I didn't care: No school! Woo! My 'rents didn't care 'bout what I did, so nothin' to lose!

On my way home with Rhyme, I saw Prissy again. I was still mad at him for gettin' us all in trouble. So I went over to talk to him and he started talkin' 'bout my hat. Wha's wrong with it? It's perfectly fine! It's on my head, ain't it? I was ready to pound his face in for payback, but a car came speeding down the alley and ran him over!

Everyone was gonna blame me for this even though I ain't got no license yet. So I grabbed Rhyme and we left. Gotta bounce!

I ain't gonna be the one to pick up their dead bodies! I was gonna end up in jail for nothin'!

~ _Beat. Don't call me by my real name, yo!_

* * *

_Sanae Hanekoma_

I'm on my way to pick up J after grabbing along Megumi Kitaniji. His car got towed this morning in the school yard (I question Shibuya sometimes), so I was dropping him off at Sho's house. Unfortunately, he wouldn't stop talking about how great the people of Shibuya were, so by the time I arrived at the location to pick up J, I had floored the pedal to make the sharp, upcoming turn. But instead of picking him up...

...I ran him over.

Looking in the side mirrors, I noticed he was fine. Sort of. I was going to get an earful later.

But then Kitaniji shouted at me to turn, so I did.

Into another upcoming wall.

Now we're in the hospital: me, Joshua, and Kitaniji.

Hmm... It's weird, but maybe in another universe, all three of us are connected and we rule this Game everyone has to play when they die, and I'm some guy who writes reports and draws murals and goes by the name CAT, and J is this powerful, ethereal being (but I'm stronger for some reason), and Kitaniji is his right hand man...

...Nah.

_~ Sanae Hanekoma, a.k.a: The guy who ran over a fifteen year old boy. On accident._


End file.
